Holiday Heartburn? Workplace Conflict? Here are Some Tools to Help

Has it been a month. 

Current events and world conflicts have left many of us wrung out and gutted. Add the anticipation of mixed holiday gatherings – and their potential for drama – it’s a wonder we’re not suffering a global bout of IBS. 

How to proceed when inflaming topics get sparked in the conference room or passed around the table in tandem with Aunt Margaret’s jello salad?

How can we hold our ground, honor our values AND resist tossing the jello salad in reaction to an offensive comment?

I just gave a talk for Pepperdine University’s Davenport Institute on this very topic.

The Challenge

There’s nothing like family to show us the limits of shared DNA. We may have similar genetics, but we can see the world through very different eyes.

We may share core beliefs – about the importance of family, hard work, faith – but how we live out those beliefs can differ.

Now if Aunt Margaret is winding up, one way to slow her roll is to focus back on shared core beliefs.

What’s core? The wellbeing of your kids, the health of loved ones, that the potatoes turned out well.

At work? The success of your organization, client satisfaction, the impact of your shared efforts.

Draw attention back to what you CAN agree on. 

Don’t Yield Data Like a Weapon

Know Nerf blasters? Their spongy “bullets” are soft and bounce away without a mark. When engaging over different values or beliefs, data has the same power. 

It bounces off without impact.

Most of us have chosen partners, friends and communities—online and off—who see the world much as we do. This group membership reinforces our identity. It gives us comfort and validation and can be more powerful than logic.

Don’t waste your energy on data.

We’re (Cognitively) Taxed 

And energy, especially cognitive energy, is in limited supply.

We expend it making decisions, resisting the donuts at work and handling complex tasks like getting the kids to school, which can require as many cross-checks as a NASA launch.

Add to this any persistent exhaustion and it’s a wonder we have the mental energy to match our socks in the morning.

Instead: Prepare & Fortify

Our differences in values, beliefs and perspectives are not likely to shift in the near term. Do what you can to better fortify yourself.

Sleep

Some nights call for extra support. Melatonin or Valerian supplements can help facilitate sleep (check with your MD). I’m a fan of Yogi Tea’s Soothing Caramel Bedtime. One cup will nudge me into a gentle state of drowsiness.

Guided meditations can help prepare the brain for deep REM sleep. My current favorite is a series hosted by Jason Stephenson. His calm Australian accent lulls my mind into peaceful state.

Worry Time

Instead of trying to ignore cycling worries, schedule time daily to give them space. When a worry sparks outside of this window, remind yourself—"I’ll think about this at X time." It can help!

Feel It & Follow with Action

Repressed emotions don’t disappear. They grow. Allow yourself to feel them. And ladies: There is nothing wrong with anger. Let yourself feel and express it—safely.

Then take action. Share resources on behalf of a cause you believe in, commit to volunteering, enroll a friend and organize a response. Harness your energy!

Know Your Triggers

What topics (or people) can flip you into an aroused state? 

For me, it’s reproductive rights and the environment. Watch what happens when someone litters near me. I see red and leave my body. It’s instantaneous.  

Knowing our triggers builds self-awareness and can help us better prepare for encounters that may test us.

Decide in advance--What will you discuss or share? What do you hope to gain? 

Be intentional.

Engagement is a Choice

If a colleague or cousin opens a triggering topic, hold your ground. You have a plan.

Disarm With Agreement.

Agreement can dampen conflict quickly.

• “You’re right. The world IS on fire. How’s the timeline for our client deliverable? Any challenges?”

• “Yep. The election WAS something else. Hey, did Aunt Margaret bring her jello?”

Opt to Not Engage.

• “It’s a family day. I’m not discussing X today. Tell me about [their favorite child, best stock tips]. I’ve been looking forward to catching up with you.”

• “We both want this project to be a success. Let’s save X for another time. Where are we with the [work goal/client deliverable/team effort]?”

Have an Exit Strategy

Where can you go to regroup, silent scream or re-establish inner calm? A guest bathroom? A speedwalk around the block? Offscreen in your home office?

Have a statement ready: “Yes, that’s concerning. I need to grab something…” Then take ALL the time YOU need.

There are norms and rules of engagement in every community. And they CAN evolve. But not without catalysts to spark change.

Choose where you’ll engage and where you won’t. Boldly hold those boundaries. Pass the jello salad with fortified calm or …opt for take-out.